From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mike Bell) Subject: Commando Garibaldi & Kung Fu Lennier Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 20:55:30 GMT
THE ADVENTURES OF COMMANDO GARIBALDI AND KUNG FU LENNIER
Chapter 1 of 3
Garibaldi grabbed two PPG pistols, strapped them in their
respective holsters then picked up a PPG rifle and strapped
it to his back. He threw a belt of hand grenades over his
shoulder and went to his closet were he picked out matching
pumps and a purse. As he ran out the door, he only stopped
for an instant to pick up a cheese sandwich and his Ronny,
the Pink Targ lunch box and matching thermos.
Garibaldi stepped out into a busy marketplace in the Zocalo were he blended in with every other every-day terrorist on the station. "Meester Garibaldi," Londo Molari said from behind him, "I must talk to you about station security, since you are of course the head of security you must do something about all these Narns!." - Garibaldi continued on without looking back or acknowledging Londo's presence. - "If one of them was to break into my quarters during the night and strangle me in my sleep,the Centauri government would have your head!"
Without looking back, or pausing in his mighty conquest of his cheese sandwich, Garibaldi pulled the pin out of one of his grenades and threw it over his shoulder. "Great Maker no!" Londo screamed shortly before an explosion rocked the area.
Garibaldi finished his sandwich and folded his napkin neatly into a small square and placed it in his pocket. Garibaldi then took out his thermos, unscrewed cap, and took several gulps of his Cool Aide. "Chief!" Zack Allen came running up to him. "I'm glad I found you. Do you know anything about an explosion on Green Level of the Zocalo?"
"No." Garibaldi responded sheepishly.
"Oh, Ok. What's all this, Chief?"
"Oh, nothing. It was my grandmothers. Here you wanta try?" Garibaldi handed Zack the PPG rifle. Zack activated it, set it to high charge, and blew away most of a nearby closed shop.
"Oh. As my great-grandfather used to say, Cool." Zack smiled and incinerated half of another store and a few on-lookers. He handed the rifle back to Garibaldi and walked off.
"You ready?" Garibaldi said to the Minbari standing next to him.
"This Ninja, as you call it, outfit is making my skin itch. But other than that, yeah." Kung-Fu Lennier said from beside him. Kosh exited the lift infront of them and walked towards them. Lennier stepped forward. "HIIIIIWAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOSHEEEE!" Lennier screamed as he put on an impressive display of high leg kicks and swift hand movements.
A paralyzing beam of energy from Kosh's encounter suit and thrusted Lennier into the bulkhead. Kosh walked silently on without thinking anything of it or looking back.
"Rule number 1: Never mess with the Vorlons." Garibaldi said as he knelt by Lennier's side.
"You humans have an expression that would be appropriate following the current events and your last statement." Lennier paused. "I believe it is 'DUH'?"
"Mister Garibaldi!" G'Kar said running up to Garibaldi and Kung Fu Lennier. "I understand that you yourself was responsible for Ambassador Molari's 'unfortunate accident', and I would like to be the first to thank you."
"Well, I try to help. Cookies?" Garibaldi said while handed him a box of cookies.
G'Kar picked up one of the cookies, then ate it. "Mmmmm. Did you make these yourself?"
"Yes I did. Would you like the recipe?"
"Excuse me," Kung Fu Lennier said. "I think we have forgotten about our mission to reek havoc on the unsuspecting populous of B5."
"Yeah in a minute." Garibaldi responded.
"But I'm ready to go blow things away." Kung Fu Lennier screamed at the top of his lungs while jumping up and down.
"Well go blow things away on your own. Ok, first you add a half cup of sugar or, since they don't process sugar anymore, the blue stuff. Then..."
Lennier turned and walked off.
After 20 minutes of wandering, Lennier found himself outside of Captain Sheridan's office. He removed a small metal tube from his belt and pressed the button on the top of it. A yellow beam of light crackled as it extended from the metal tube.
Sheridan looked up as Lennier, with LightSuber in hand, walked slowly into the room. Sheridan stood and picked a metal tube from the top desk drawer of his desk. The beam of light flashed a hideous color of pink as it extended from the tube. "You should never have returned, Lennier. When I left you I was the trainee, but now I am the master and you are nothing but a weak old fool!" Sheridan stated in a deep, horse voice. Sheridan cleared his throat and coughed twice. "Ah. There, much better. Where were we?"
Sheridan lunged towards Lennier, but Lennier blocked him and moved out of the way, causing Sheridan to fall backwards on his couch, slicing it in two with his LightSuber.
Lennier sat on the edge of Sheridan's desk filing his finger nails. seizing the opportunity to strike, Sheridan struggled to his feet and walked slowly over to Lennier. Sheridan furiously swung his LightSuber at Lennier for five minutes, but Lennier blocked him every time without stopping what he was doing.
After ten minutes of brain-less, boring, monotonous, mind-less, and any other synonyms of boring, Suber to Suber duel, Sheridan thrust the Light Suber out of KUNG FU LENNIER'S hand. Lennier fell backwards and landed on his back. He watched as Sheridan lifted his LightSuber over his head readying it for the final blow. "And now, Kung Fu Lennier you will die!"
Half a second later, Sheridan was thrust against the wall by a shot from Garibaldi's PPG rifle. "Thank you. Could you have cut it anymore closer than that?" Lennier said as he struggled to his feet.
"Probably not. Come on, G'Kar going to show us how to make Heart of Centauri Casserole, luckily there in season!"
(c) 1996 Mike Bell
THE ADVENTURES OF COMMANDO GARIBLADI AND KUNG FU LENNIER
Chapter 2 of 3
The next day...
Garibaldi stepped on to command and control to be greeted by Ivanova singing "Celebration." "Cell-E-Bration" Ivanova sang.
"Ivanova," Garibaldi walked up to her. "What are you doing? There are 12 ships awaiting docking clearance and you are three hours late for the meeting with the Dock Worker's Guild."
"Look, Mike, I don't have to work, Sheridan's dead, you plastered him to the wall yourself. They'll be cleaning up in there for days." Ivanova laughed and continued singing.
"Look, even though Sheridan's gone, you still have to work." Garibaldi pleaded.
"Work!, like gag me with a spoon. Happy days are here..." With that Garibaldi turned and left. Garibaldi returned to his quarters where he waited for Lennier. Five minutes later, the chime on his door rang. Garibaldi sat down at his desk and ordered the door to open.
Lennier walked in and kneeled on one knee five feet infront of Garibaldi's desk. "What is thy command, my master?" Lennier asked.
"We have a new enemy, his name is Marcus Cole." Garibaldi responded.
"He is only a young-aged, english descendant suffering with pikal envy. Sheridan can no longer help him."
"He could destroy us. If he could be turned to our side, he would make a powerful ally, and he has the recipe for his brother's cheese cake."
"He will join us or die, my master. I shall go and find him now." Lennier stood up and left the room.
Twenty minutes later, Lennier left his quarters dressed in his Ninja suit with his LightSuber attached to his belt at his side. After a five minutes in transit, Lennier made his way down below and to the bar where Marcus met his contacts daily. Lennier spotted Marcus sitting at a table in the far corner. He pushed his way through the crowd and stood behind Marcus. Marcus looked up and laughed.
He stopped laughing when Lennier removed his LightSuber from his belt and ignited it. All of the patrons in the bar fled immediately Marucs stood and removed a metal tube from his pocket. He shook it firmly and it extended to five feet long. Marcus held his pike horizontal with two hands awaiting Lennier's strike. Suddenly Lennier raised his LightSuber above his head and brought it down on Marcus' Minbari Fighting Pike. The pike split in two and made a metal clanking sound as the two pieces hit the floor.
"Oops." Marcus wined and did a back-flip over the table behind him. Marcus landed on his feet and picked up a metal chair. Marcus stepped backwards until he reached the bar. Lennier moved menacingly forward towards him.
As he watched Lennier move towards him, Marcus ate a few beer nuts that were lying in bowls on the bar. With a swift kick Lennier hit the chair out of Marcus' hands and across the room. Lennier smiled as Marcus backed into a corner and was trapped. "Use the tape, Marcus." Sheridan's voice echoed in Marcus' head. Then he remembered the portabl Micro-Disk player he had in his pocket.
Marcus fished around inside he pocket and removed his Micro-Disk playe and turned the volume all the way up. Lennier stopped five feet infront Marcus as he inserted a disk into the front of his book-sized Micro-Disk player and pressed "PLAY". Suddenly the room was filled with Barbara Streisand music and Lennier fell to his feet, covered his ears and screamed in pain.
Marcus quickly fled the room.
"You fool!" Garibaldi shouted and pounded his fist on his plastic coloring table, breaking several crayons. "You allowed him to escape when he played Barbara Streisand's Greatest Hits? You weak fool!"
"I am sorry, my master." Lennier pleaded.
"Sorry isn't good enough, Lennier. I can see if I want a job done right, I'm going to have to get a professional or just do it myself. Now, go pick up dinner." Lennier hurried out of Garibaldi's quarters.
Garibaldi stood and went into his walk-in closet/home arsenal. He dressed in his camouflage suit and his Ronny, the Pink Targ underwear. He then picked up his PPG rifle, loaded it, and threw it over his shoulder, then picked up two grenades, a gift from his mother, and placed them in his utility belt, finally he bent down to pick out his favorite pair of Bugs Bunny slippers and put them on.
Marcus sat alone in his quarters polishing his second Minbari Fighting Pike when the door opened and Garibaldi stepped in. Marcus jumped up and ran at him with his Pike pointed straight at Garibaldi.
Garibaldi fired his PPG rifle and vaporized Marcus' Pike while it was still in his hand. Marcus stopped dead in his tracks. Garibaldi pointed his PPG rifle at Marcus and said, "Before I vaporize you, you need to know that I am your brother's uncle's cousin's aunt's former dry cleaner."
Marcus turned and ran out the back door of quarters as Garibaldi shot off thirty two rounds in a 360 degree radius around Marcus' quarters.
Three hours later...
"I don't know what could have caused the chief to go insane and do something like this." Zack Allen said surveying the damage in Marcus' quarters.
"Maybe he has diarrhea." A young Lieutenant said.
Garibaldi sat alone in his quarters when his door chimed. Before Garibaldi could respond, the door was kicked down and Delenn stood on the other side. She walked swiftly towards Garibaldi with a disgusted look on her face. "Marcus told me what you did to his quarters." Garibaldi pulled his PPG pistol out of his holster and fired at Delenn. The shot bounced off of Delenn's bone and hit the wall behind Garibaldi. "We may look like you, but we are not you." She said in a firm tone. "I challenge you to a duel to the death."
"Good, we'll settle this the old Earth Force way, the first person to die loses!"
(c) 1997 Mike Bell
The Adventures of Commando Garibaldi and Kung Fu Lennier 3
Chapter 3 of 3
Garibaldi pressed the control panel on the right side of
Commander Ivanova's door. No response. He pressed it again.
No response. "Oh, Chief." Zack Allen said upon seeing
Garibaldi violently jabbing his index finger at the control
panel. "Ivanova's in the captain's old quarters."
"Why is she in Sheridan's quarters?" Garibaldi asked.
"She's getting ready to move in there, since it is somewhat larger than her old quarters." Garibaldi turned and left.
"Just go throw that out the airlock." Ivanova ordered three security officers that were moving Sheridan's antique 18th century desk.
"Ivanova, what are you doing? Your supposed to be on duty, you know that thing you used to do in C and C when Sheridan wasn't splatter all over his office wall." Garibaldi said.
"Oh I'll get around to that." Ivanova said.
"But the Centauri government has already broken off trade with the E.A. after one of there ships was destroyed by a Brakiri transport trying to cut in line and dock with B5 faster. Two Drazi transports are threatening to fire upon the station. And, on top of all that there is somthing more serious, we're out of Tang."
"Oh, nobody drinks that stuff anyway! Come here let me show you what I'm going to do the Captain's old quarters." Ivanova lead Garibaldi into her new quarters. "Over there is were I'm going to put the lagoon and the water fall and over here will be the bed of duck feathers were I will lie most of the day eating grapes fed to me by half-naked men fanning me with palm leaves."
Garibaldi threw up his hands. "Look, Susan let's settle this once and for all. Meet me in Alpha Squardran's maintenince bay at 5:00 hours today. Then we will have a Starfury to Starfury dogfight to the death and the person who wins, gets Sheridan's old quarters and a year's supply of Tang, oh yeah, and the station"
"Deal." Ivanova said then turned to a group of station officers. "Put the statue to my greatness over there, by the football stadium."
"What!" Garibaldi screamed walking into a bar in down below. "Give me the strongest thing you got." Garibaldi ordered slamming a book down on the bar.
"There a problem Chief?"
"Yeah, did you read this, Captain?" Garibaldi moved over one seat to sit by Sheridan's side. "Hey, what are you doing here I thought you were killed off?"
"I thought this was the sequel, but NO, I walk onto the set this morning and find out I'm still dead." The bartender brought Garibaldi his drink.
"I know, somthing has to be done about this Mike Bell person. Look at this." Garibaldi opened the book and set it infront of Sheridan. "I get killed off in a dogfight with Ivanova this afternoon."
"At least you know you going to die, how do you think I felt when you shot me into the next century."
"Well I'm going to change this." Garibaldi's tone was firm and strong.
"Good for you, chief. Fight the writer, don't get killed today!"
"Oh, no, not that." Garibaldi handed his drink back to the bartender. "Could you get me some apple juice instead?" He turned back to Sheridan. "You know maybe your right. I will fight the writer!" Garibaldi got down from the bar stool and left the bar.
"Pick your weapon." Marcus said to Garibaldi in the corridor outside of Delenn's quarters. He held up a box full of weapons anywhere from a ceremonial Minbari fighting sword to a PPG rifle. Garibaldi picked out the PPG rifle and Delenn did the same. "Alright on the count of three."
"I will kill you until you die from it, human." Delenn said in a fierce tone.
"1...2...oh...a...4...3." Marcus counted.
"Come on, sweat it out, sweat it out." A man with curly hair in a tank top doing jumping jacks said while turning the corner.
Delenn and Garibaldi turned and screamed in unison and opened fire. The man screamed and collapsed on the floor. "Nice shot." Garibaldi commented to Delenn.
"Thank you." Delenn smiled. "FIVE!" She started firing at Garibaldi. Caught off garret, Garibaldi fell backwards as Delenn fired thirty two rounds at him. "Hastlavista, baby."
Ivanova sat alone with her starfury scrapping off the Dole/Kemp's brain in 2142 bumper sticker waiting for Garibaldi to show up. "Commander," Zack Allen said to Ivanova. "I have some news about the chief. He died in combat with Delenn today."
"Oh, so that's his way of getting out of this!" Ivanova thought for a moment. "Say, Zack, do you know how to fly a starfury?"
"No, and really don't want to know. Sorry about your loss." He turned and left.
Ivanova sighed as she walked into the bar and sat down. "Something wrong, Commander?" Sheridan said.
"Oh, Garibaldi was killed today in a fight with Delenn." She answered.
"Oh, is that all?."
"Well you know how these Hoomans are, Commander." Londo said from her right side. "They'll do anything to get out of a simple duel to the death."
"Hey, guys, it's time to go." Garibaldi walked up to them.
"Were are you going?" Ivanova asked.
"Up there." Sheridan answered pointing his index finger up.
"You mean to..."
"Oh, no. Brown sector, Delenn is throwing a victory party." Garibaldi responded.
"Will I ever see you again?" Ivanova questioned.
Sheridan walked up to Ivanova. "With any luck the writer will bring us all back in an upcoming story." (c) 1997 Mike Bell - email@example.com